Actual Lines from Resumes

 

 

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

 

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

 

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

 

Please disregard the attached resume — it is terribly out of date.

 

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

 

Previous experience: Self-employed — a fiasco.

 

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

 

I am a rabid typist.

 

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

 

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

 

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

 

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

 

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

 

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

 

Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.

 

Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.

 

Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.

 

Referees available upon request.

 

Pursing a position requiring strong communication skills.

 

Work history: Bakery — proactively provided the products with the appropriate fillings, jellies and custards.

 

Previous rank: Senior instigator.

 

I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.

 

Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.

very funny

Yes, I like this. I have seen some of them before, but they are great. I think a little humour can get you a long way, I am just not sure if being so funny on your resume is always a good thing!

Those lines are really funny!  If I were the person incharge in the Human Resource Department I would really laugh my lungs out if I read such lines in applicants' resumes. :D

LOL, these are funny! My favorite is "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook" :D

Some of them, I can't believe they were included in actual resumes. Feeding and watering a family dog??